Archive for October, 2010

Harold

October 21, 2010

In high school I used to tell a friend of mine (actually, the girl I took to the prom: TANGENT 1) that there was this guy who lived in my basement…I called him Harold…and he talked in this emotionless deep voice, and I used to tell Leslie that Harold would come home and tell me what she was up to at home because he liked to sneak out and watch her eat.

…she of course knew I was joking…otherwise she wouldn’t have asked me to the prom: TANGENT 3

TANGENT 1

I went to the prom with Leslie Tummonds, a good friend of mine.  In high school I covered up the fact that I was a big ol’ queer (even though, thanks to the magic of being in a small town, I didn’t even really know what queer was): TANGENT 2.

TANGENT 2

I was totally gay in high school.  Well, let me correct that: I was attracted to men in high school.  Either because of a total self-homophobia, lack of understanding, or a coincidental ability to accidentally avoid all references to the actual meaning of ‘gay’ due to being in a small town, I didn’t know what gay was.  Or queer.  Or fag.  I mean, I knew they were ‘bad words’ but…

…ready for the embarassment?

…I figured they all meant ‘Guy who dresses in women’s clothes.’

…which I had no interest in doing.

…I was just attracted to guys.

So I assumed I was alone, but because of being a weirdo (hence the start of this whole blog) I was able to avoid taunting on that particular front…I was just the eccentric bizarre guy who, today, would be considered a furry. TANGENT 4

TANGENT 3

Leslie asked me to the prom, regardless of the Harold thing…but I wasn’t intending on going to the prom.  I was gonna skip it ’cause it seemed better ‘not’ to go than to go alone, and all I knew was that I thought the whole ‘love’ thing was a crock: TANGENT 5.

She asked anyways, and I didn’t want to be the asshole.  You know.  The guy who says no to someone.  There was no reason to say no…other than the fact that I was attracted to guys…and I didn’t know what to do at the prom. TANGENT 6

TANGENT 4

I graduated with a stuffed Timon hanging out of my pocket…I only did this because I walked around school with it there, and telling everyone that he was my boyfriend.

TANGENT 5

I have been in one musical, and will only ever be in one musical, because I don’t like musicals.  It was Guys and Dolls, and I was Nicely Nicely Johnson…a perfect role for me, because I always said that love was a crock in high school.  I generally said this because I was obviously being Mr. Hidey Pants…and also because I had no clue what to do when people insinuated that they liked me…TANGENT 7.

TANGENT 6

Two weird things happened at the end of the prom.

Firstly, our last song was Bush – Glycerine. TANGENT 8

Secondly…I didn’t dance with my date until the last song.

Literally, someone approached me and said “You know you’re supposed to dance with your date at prom?”

I wasn’t being rude!  I wasn’t being an ass!  I honestly had no clue what to do.  Thank god someone told me, ’cause I thought the whole point was to just have fun and enjoy everyone’s company!

We danced like it was ‘In A Sentimental Mood’ or something, like a pretty song at the ball.  I probably ruined one or two people’s prom.  Oh well.

TANGENT 7

One night, my friends and I were having a bonfire in someone’s backyard.  It was a set up.  I didn’t know this until I realized everyone had left me and Tisha, a friend from school, alone in the backyard.  We sat around the fire, she acted semi-flirtatiously, and I froze.  Love is a crock.  I liked guys.  What do I do?

I did the only thing a man could possibly do in that situation.

I started pulling grass out of the ground and throwing it at her.

The grass fight continued for about ten minutes.

TANGENT 8

I always thought Gavin Rossdale was hot.  I also thought Gabe Ladner was fricken hot…I hope he doesn’t read this!

CONCLUSION

…I somehow, in a small town, pretended a stuffed animal was my boyfriend, and took a girl to the prom forgetting to dance with her until the very last dance, and when set up with a girl who liked me I threw grass at her…and somehow…somehow…no one realized I was gay.

THE END

Advertisements